I have a theory. Now I know I’ve been targeted since a Child. Not only were people in the area doing it I guess due to who my Dad was and his beliefs / non-conformity. I’m also looking into the Master Manipulators behind it all.

My Dad got custody of me, I now know through the correct channels but also a dodgy statement in his favour. He was abusive to my Mum. He was abusive to me. Also being abused daily by groups of ppl. When my Mum met my Step Dad at the age of three, they married when I was four. They wanted custody of me. Julian can’t have biological children. They thought about adoption which they spoke to me about. A friend of theirs rang my Dad and said she didn’t agree with them discussing it with me etc. Dad had to sort this out as I found it very upsetting. Anyways, they never got me. I remained with my Dad till 21, a friends fam which was awful for a couple of yrs then eventually my Mum at the age of 23 after a breakdown.

No wonder due to the amount of trauma I was being subjected to. My Mum then turned me into an Adult Child and made me incredibly dependent on her, constantly telling me I was ill, couldn’t do this and this, didn’t want me working etc. It was horrendous. I have a theory they were sabotaging me from a young age in order for me to leave the area I grew up in to be with them in London. Julian re-married. They went through IVF, but it didn’t work. Since splitting up, he’s completely taken part ownership of his Friends Daughter. His friend even stood up to him about it but he won’t have it. Julian was adopted himself, alcohol dependent and has never been to therapy etc. Went to Boarding School, all that speil. Lots of Mason type fraternities take place in these establishments.

I don’t feel bad for writing about ppl’s personal issues, it’s about time. They have discussed mine before I did publically for years including numerous lies with peeps I never gave consent to. Also, I was in a band at 23, working in London and studying my Drumming of an evening. We were all set to record with Julian till I had to pull out. I was not in a good place, nor in a good relationship with Hadleigh plus Dad was all set to send me into Rehab at that age till Julian talked him out of it. Anyways, peeps in the band (one girl in particular) and everyone around me were doing their very best to bring me down. I had also started singing a bit at this point and got some backlash for it. My Step Dad even being weird around it all.

I firmly believe he helped Mum get to where she was career wise then slowly broke her down. She stopped performing eventually and put all her time into helping others, leaving Julian as the Star 🌟. Coincidence, me thinks not. He’s not secure enough in himself to truly date / partner with his equal. Like many of my Exes, needs them to be beneath him etc. My Mum still defends him to the hill and thinks he’s wonderful when he cheated on her / all sorts. He played the Victim very well so no matter what my Mum has done to me, I thought she was the domineering one. It was him all along. Extremely domineering and out of my Dad, Uncle and Him, he’s probably the darkest one as he comes across as the sweetest. That’s how the Covert types get away with it for so long, it’s insidious!

Mum’s still denying taking my Passport then re-placing it in my home / getting someone else to along with my Change of Name Documents and other written Notes. Does she seriously think I was born yesterday? I posted those on me Socials anyways. OMG – ppl’s playing dumb game is shockingly bad and obvious. Wanting to get my locks changed. What difference is that gonna make? They’re partly responsible for all that mentalness, just never betted on me finding out!!!

The truth will come out, may not be for another ten years yet, but it will come out.

My Mum’s Letters to my Docs over the years is horrendous. Full of lies!

My Mum is also more oblivious to her being a Target as well than I first thought, and the amount of setups they’ve put her through. And what two ppl does she have to run back to as a result? Her Brother and Ex Hubbie. Coincidence? Me thinks not. That’s the cucke of control / abuse. The same peeps she teams up with against me. She won’t have it, though, in complete denial because the truth is very difficult to accept. Her fantasy bubble is easier to handle.

Her saying if I had let them help me when they wanted to, when they took over as always. The leak had stopped for a good year or so. It was the after damage and other plumbing work – says it all really!

They’re all very invested in my property like I said and how much money I need to sell it for etc. I was happier to sell it at a much cheaper price just to move quicker etc. They escalated the sabotage techniques ever since receiving the money. I expect without a Will, my Mum would get the money. All of them are struggling financially to a point. I mean if I’m sectioned, 9 ft under or arrested, my property will have to go to someone.

My Uncle deals with all kinds of law related issues including delivering papers around abuse. He told me loads of properties go un-acclaimed by peeps who are entitled to them etc so become Government Property. How interesting. Also interesting, he felt the need to tell me that. My Uncle comes from a criminal background then became a Private Detective. That’s not a coincidence. That’s how corruption works. Employ ppl in da know to carry on the shocking show!

I mean my Uncle is so kind that he managed to co-erce his entire deposit for a new Gaff from an older Lady 😅🤣😂. He was very proud of that. He also makes friends with very vulnerable ppl, and makes out he’s protecting them, they usually have plenty of dollar 😅🤣😂. He also befriends the Women he’s trying to protect against abuse, making sure they keep their mouths shut more like. When I rang him in tears over my Ex pushing me and threatening me etc, he said “it’s history now, forget about it, and the Police have more important matters to deal with such as murders etc”. This is how the police force in general feel about domestic abuse because a lot of them abuse their power etc / are abusive themselves! And protect the Abusers!!!

Adam Knowles even teaches his friends like Michael Brock the ins and outs of how to phrase text messages etc / or what could get them in trouble!

I will be naming names soon. So called Friends and Families from young.

I imagine my family helping me out is making them think I’m not gonna carry on speaking the truth / advocating for myself or changing the lies / errors on the Psychiatrists Report. Far from it. It’s made me even more determined. They are responsible for years of torment, including doing the same to my Dad alongside lots of others who are in da Special Needs Club 😅🤣😂

Do I feel really dark with it all on some days: Yes. But I keep sharing about it, keep reaching out, keep talking about it. And I won’t stay silent. The more they come for me, the more I fight back. Surely they know that by now. Weak ppl need to use Gangs to target one person cause none of them have the bollox to take me on, on their own. Like I’ve said before, just proves how strong I am.

A lot of Services involved including the NHS unfortunately (Michael Brock for instance). Not everyone mind you but more than you’d like to think. That’s why it’s in such a state. I will go into this at a later date, maybe through a Poem etc. It’s all designed to keep us stuck, dependent and the ppl not playing ball in a continuous cycle of disarray, dying earlier than they should’ve done etc – had they received the help they needed in the first place. They pick and choose who they help properly. The ppl like myself who say ‘No’ to the control / hypocrisy / corruption are bullied / gaslit including by the Services themselves. They especially hate ppl who are self-sufficient and work better by themselves and don’t need others to start up their own businesses etc.

They caused havoc with me, my Mum and Dad earning our own dollar and becoming independent. They still do. Basically cornering us into positions of working for free. Mum’s still a Mug in that dept. I stopped doing all that jazz a long time ago. They also want to belittle you into a place of needing their help / support / them telling you what you need when I know what my support needs are etc. They don’t want you using self-care tools as that ruins their over-productivity schemes. That’s why the world is filled with bitter / revengeful ppl because they haven’t learnt how to put boundaries in, communicate like adults or express their needs. It’s called ‘knowing your worth’. I’ve applied for loads of jobs including leaflet delivery to get by, and cleaning and all sorts. They won’t even employ me in that field.

And they can’t employ me for certain areas I’m trained in now, or would make it impossible for me to stay because I know the game, and imagine would find out more information without even trying.

I made sure they knew I was looking around when I visited the Civic Centre the other day. Another setup, an appt I didn’t even really want tbh. Sent in the most obvious culprit ever but as per, I clicked on straight away and played along 😆😅🤣😂

Then miraculously starts to get sorted when I go back to my Folks. This is to re-instate the narrative that I need others to help me / get stuff sorted. They’re all super invested in my property, so I become dependent on my peeps again. I’m not allowed to be independent or earn my own wonga. Again, this all started when the Landlord upstairs sent me some mental letter from an Auction House, saying he owned half the garden. He was quite threatening at the door. I wouldn’t give him the Garden nor my phone number. I said he’d have to go through my Uncle who deals with those types of issues. Go through the correct channels in it. Then, the leak from upstairs began. I rang his letting agent about that. They mentioned the Garden. I said they’re two separate issues, not getting it at first, then slowly began to connect the dots. Aww, it’s a power play. Happened a few times, they wouldn’t fix the damage, wouldn’t get back to me then when they did. Fixed some of it, then made it worse. Just loved getting a reaction out of me.

Fast forward a couple of years, Step Dad started to begin the process of getting it fixed, giving me the money anyways. Dave from AA, Daisy’s Partner, managed to manipulate this info outta me, setup as per as was James the dodgy Maintenance Guy…..then bang, the leak became an almost daily occurrence. Andy knew I wanted to move. He was like – “getting it sorted then?”obviously knew it wasn’t getting fixed properly but also very peeved off at me for moving on etc.

Rewind to six years ago – When I first moved out, Mum would send my post to my Uncle instead of me. Stuff wouldn’t get sorted, then I would get in trouble, and then they would come in to save the day. Half sorting/half sabotaging to make me completely dependent on them again. I would sort it out much to their dismay 😅🤣😂, even teaching meself some Legal Lingo on the way!

They take over. Mum has already asked for the contact details re the Dr Shah Case, what so she can lie to them even more about me. They don’t want me getting any compensation etc. I deserve it, I reallybdo, I mustn’t forget that but mostly, it’s been about speaking up, advocating for myself when I was finally in a position to do so, empowering meself, starting the healing journey around it all (a case of having to) and getting a bit of closure tbh. Lots of dodgyness surrounding it, mind you!

I also found out another victim of his had to move out of the area due to constant harassment. I knew I couldn’t be the only one, and often wondered, “Are they doing this to all the women who exposed him?” Thankfully, they were the ones who got him put behind bars.

This also makes her look like the good Mother you see. I can still so easily fall into this trap as I have missed her as well as feeling happier without her / them in my life, but unfortunately, it’s care wrapped up in control. Trying to self-care as much as possible whilst being back in contact with them. I’m grateful as well. it just comes at a huge price. Frankie, Mum’s friend, who I called out, has well and truly got his feet under the table at hers. She tends to put him and others above me. She protects him over me any day of the wk but also plays us off one another, but he is extremely manipuliative and always makes digs / gets the hump when his plans have failed in the past and I have succeeded despite of him. He hasn’t got my guts, you see! He constantly plays it safe!

Already been followed by Andy’s Bro and Sister-in-Law today plus other Fellowship Peeps & Associates on the back of me discussing this with Mother this morning. They traumatise me with the same ppl I spk about that day etc, or scenarios surrounding it! They also force me into a position where I have to reach out to me family again cause they know it fucks with me head. Tbh though – they kinda win to a point but there’s always a silver lining and more often than not, their tactics backfire. Like I said to peeps today, it’s teaching me amazeballs survival skills and making me realise how God damn resillient I am! Super strong. Like the Support Teams have said, I really do need to keep reminding meself how far I’ve come!!! I can easily forget x

Again, just reflecting on past Posts re my Mum. We’d had a really difficult past, but thought we were making progress, especially during recovery, then I started to improve mentally. I also became very independent and capable. This is when the real trouble started again. The more well I became, the more unwell me Mum got. It’s so sad because me posts tell a different story of happier times, but none of it was real. I even found text messages slagging me off to others after I’d spent the day or evening helping her with something.

After reading all the lies she told to my Doctors through letters and notes, etc, constantly telling me I was ill, wouldn’t let me do stuff, didn’t teach me how to be an Adult. Made me so so dependent on her all whilst becoming her emotional crutch. Basically, I told them I couldn’t survive without her or would go downhill when separated. There were loads of reasons for that, one of them being her and others sabotaging me on purpose.

Encouraging baby talk and teddy bears, which I had always loved anyways, but buying me toys. Really trying (me thinks) to revert back to all the years she missed out on, then putting a massive gaslighting spin on it all. This also ties into the Welfare Calls. I was advised by a Support Line to look on certain websites for tools etc. I’ve since looked up other information. It’s there in black and white. It’s an abusive tactic. I worked out some of the reasoning but not all of it.

She even used to threaten me with the Doctors for crying. Making out it was super unhealthy, etc, all whilst being really abusive. When I started the Injunction process, she was still doing the same ole shit. They informed me it was part of coercive control / trying to isolate me, etc. Then calling me abusive all whilst provoking me, etc. I now know the depths of what my family is capable of with regards to sabotaging me, and it’s frightening.

They never betted on me lasting this long, and their ‘I can’t cope with anything’ narrative has long past it’s due date. That’s what they were so frightened of. I’m probably the more resillient one out of the lot of them. This is what being the Scapegoat of a Narcissistic Family looks like, unfortunately, And the men stories. Shaming me for encouraging me into certain behaviour and making me available to abusive men. It’s disgusting. I will fight for my honour and the truth to be told.

Thankfully, I’ve done some creative work around all this stuff prior. She is cruel beyond belief. When the blinkers finally came off again, it was simply heartbreaking. They know what they’ve done/do and will do anything so as not to be exposed around it all, oh, and my inheritance of course, which I’ve already briefly shared about! The thing that pisses me off is she does tje same thing to other ppl at times including her kinda adoptive daughter but she worships the ground she walks on. Golden Child in a way and completely blindsided. I’ll leave them to it thanks.

Me Fam started overtaking when it came to me Flat issues but weren’t sorting anything out as such just being a general nightmare as per. I said I didn’t want to discuss it with them any further. They took it as me saying I don’t want to talk to you anymore, and said I had a bad attitude etc, not knowing then what I do now and how involved they all are! I even suggested family therapy which Julian made damn sure I knew no one would believe me about the awful ordeals he’s subjected me too.None of them have dealt with their own traumas so project on to me!

Just reading through Past Posts. My Ex, Fellowships and others managed to convince me that I was the Addict / Ill / Manipuliative one all whilst being in a setup / domestic abuse type situationship /situationships for years. Even denying me sex was a part of it, then co-ercing me into darker scenarios later on. Withholding / the silent treatment / getting me to chase / isolating me, Controlling me with money etc. They’re all tactics. I’ve had to do some serious Recovery Work around all of the above, especially during the past two years. I should’ve listened to me gut as when Andy Downey and I first met, and I was told negative things about him. I was already in a state and reported him to work. I was a Recovery Worker at The Lighthouse Rehab at the time. I had to leave as a result plus needing that time to focus on me own recovery. I’d taken paracetamols over him etc. The Director didn’t support me at all. Blamed me then told him what I had said about him and sent him, or he decided to come round mine as a result. I was trying to keep away from him. He completely avoided any accountability, of course, said the stories were untrue and outrageous. I felt so confused.

I have done so much Recovery Work around abusive relationships /red flags etc which they hate!

More to come, just needed to get that out there. This is gaslighting BTW! And he is an expert in that field x

I now realise I have been a Targeted Individual since a Child, as was my Dad and later my Mum.

The Mason’s told their children to bully me, gangstalk me, and ltr workplace mob me. My name has been smeared relentlessly, and I have been sabotaged at every opportunity. They humiliated me, my Mum and my Dad by getting us to do menial jobs (no job is beneath us) when we’re really talented in other areas and making those jobs ten times harder than they should’ve been and getting some kind of kick out if it. Dad and I walked out loads, too. Employing us for one thing at times then degrading us into being a gopher etc. Obviously hating our self-sufficient, go getter, focused nature’s.

Everything was a setup, even the sexual co-ercion and abuse. There’s been loads, some on camera. Lots of humiliating and degrading stuff. Some events are patchy due to past intoxication. I only have flashbacks to rely on. Passed around like a Sex Toy to keep me stuck. Mum introduced me to dodgy men from a young age, then shamed me for it. A few men have even stolen money from my mum and myself, but we couldn’t prove the most part. I was then told at Rehab I’m a Sex & Love Addict which I believed for years, another ploy to make ME out to be the ill one. I have parts of that stuff, but it was mainly abuse. I did some of that programme, which did help with my Co-dependency issues, but I recognised I’m mainly an Avoidant, so I did those steps instead, which really helped.

When Dad died, they escalated it further. Mum is in on a lot of it, too, I believe under Julian Littman (Step Dad) & Rory Mulholland (Uncle’s instructions). There was no Will – Dad’s death was really dodgy. Uncle got me the money. Mum tried talking me into letting him become my power of attorney. I declined, thank God. Bought a flat after 18 months in sobriety. Rehab was a setup, too, but I am grateful for it. Also, Dad’s Side of the family – Cousins and their children. The Woodwards / Harpers. I imagine the commandments are coming from the top, but I’m not sure how it all works yet.

Since then, they have tried sabotaging me even further with an abusive Ex Andy Downey. They are breaking in and causing damage to my home, including continuous leaks from Upstairs. They killed my Cat Arthur & Mum’s Fish. They feigned killing her Next Door Neighbours Cat by placing him next to our door when his owners went away, then made up some bull story. I was told by Mum to get pics of her new Cat, so God knows what will happen there.

They want my money / property / inheritance. They want me sectioned (have said as much), arrested (keep provoking me on purpose) or killing myself. I have failed suicide attempts in the past due to constant abuse and / or ringing halfway through one.My friends were never my friends, all sent to bully, patronise me, and co-erce me into dodgy experiences, especially with guys. Later on, trying to encourage me back into drinking / taking drugs / getting involved with dodgy men. Constantly patronising me and putting me down.

The Services are involved including the Police, Security, Army, Ex Army, Psychiatrists, NHS etc. They even get whole communities involved especially when I’ve either stood up to people or exposed ppl from the past and present.They are on my phone 24/7 / surveillancing me 24/7. They also move neighbours in around me to spy on me. They use my trauma against me and went through my Step Work and made it public. I have since told those ppl exactly what I think of them after being gaslit into high heaven and lied about to the masses on social media. Seeing my creative posts, threatening me – ‘if you say anything about me etc, I’ll do you for slander then provoking me and getting in there first’.

I wish I had kept all the evidence but the powers at be have deleted loads on my phone including times and dates of stalking experiences. Guys I knew getting hold of my Dad’s Cameras with and without my consent. My Dad must’ve gotten evidence / pics of something dodgy.

They’re using the same tactics on my mum that they’re using on me. I think because me, her, and my Dad are strong minded and spoke up about injustices to ourselves and others. But my mother is cruel beyond belief, kept telling me I was ill for years, and wouldn’t allow me to do normal adult stuff. Leaning on me emotionally, telling ppl it was the other way around, having a go at me for crying, even saying,’Shall I get the doctor in?’ If I became emotional, especially during or after her mentally abusing me or anything that a normal person would cry about. All to isolate me and keep me dependent on her, shame me into keeping quiet, etc. I don’t know the whole truth, but my mum never had proper therapy around me being taken away from her as a baby. She saw me every other wk, but still. Very traumatic, I imagine.

My family are also sabotaging me in order for me to go back to them. They are super controlling, told me and others I can’t cope with anything or look after myself. They kept me dependant like a Child. I only started learning how to look after myself 6 years ago. I have proved that I am more than capable and they hate that, especially as it ruins their narrative around me.

They are involved in corruption, criminality, with old School Gangsters etc. I’ve also been poisoned to some extent and chemically abused. They use every organised harassment tactic in the book.Financial abuse too as they’re preventing me / Mum from earning our own money. They also give false hope. Come to our own business setups for a while then cancel etc, or employ us then let us go or make it so hard that we have to leave.

Revenge / Control & Power is the name of the game.I am grateful for some of it as it’s made me more resillient and given me creative material but it’s heartbreaking in the same breath. They have completely isolated me and whenever I start to do well again, or attempt to make new friends etc, some are setups anyways but they continue to smear my name, play us off one another.

I am trying my absolute best on a day to day basis. Nothing I say is confidential but I still reach out for support, as disassociating makes me more ill than anything they’re doing.They treat me the same way whether I speak up or not so I may as well speak up. Like I said before, they especially target me on the streets when I carry on with my creative pursuits regardless. I literally only have to post a nice pic of myself and they turn up the heat.

It seems like they’re trying to cover Up lies with more lies and corruption to cover Up the lies and corruption. They seem to forget that they themselves are being exploited / kept stuck as much as they’re trying to do this to me. I’ve shared about some of this but needed to get it down in black and white. They’re constantly dropping hints that they know everything about me and everything I’ve ever said. They even use my Autism and Sensory Issues against me as well as normal noise attacks in these situations.

I am armed with knowledge and mustn’t Stop fighting the good fight but my health is pretty poor. MCAS and maybe something worse, I’m not sure. They’re keeping very hush hush around my health. It’s all super dodgy. I don’t know how long I have left on this earth, none of us do so it’s important I get as much information out there as possible. They also have my signatures on various documents, so God knows what will happen there. I reported most of it.

I’ve also been bullied online. I didn’t realise as to why my Step Dad was so interested in my OCD issues and Co-dependency Recovery. It was used against me. Even a past Sponsor recognised how unhealthy it was for me to discuss in such detail at the time but I didn’t realise I was being manipulated into doing so. They also keep trying to break me down so I bow down to them and the AA / Masonic Steps. All I’ve ever been is of Service to others / made to be. I needed to prioritise myself and my dreams at long last. Again, all used to keep me from moving forward.

In order to work out what was going on, I’ve had to become my own Private Investigator / Journalist. I now know too much and I have probably always seen through the bullshit just doubted myself.

My Uncle is a PI / delivers Papers around issues such as Restraining Orders / Abuse etc but he himself is abusive and both he and my Step Dad shut me down around the domestic abuse I was going through and other forms of bullying. Told me to forget about it etc. I was suspicious but still didn’t recognise the extent of their involvement. Rory Mulholland was Security to high up peeps in politics, including ambassadors, etc. They all have contacts within the Police and Politics and massive contacts within the Arts Industry especially Julian Littman of Steeleye Span

They have had me followed since day 1 especially since entering Recovery. I don’t really have a leg to stand on so having to fight this alone like me Dad. He didn’t become a Paparazzi till later on in life, he didn’t really have a choice as he was being sabotaged left, right and centre and an opportunity prevailed itself. I really don’t agree with the darker side of that job, never have. He was no Angel but he was up against it constantly……like me. He fell out with the papers. More on that another time.

Thank you for reading.

Mischa for now x

I only went and completed me first Course in Adulthood. “Whoop, whoop it’s the sound of the workpiece, whoop, whoop it’s time for ‘can’t do’ to cease”. Through all the tears, PMT ya and nearly being sectioned for perfection (jokes), I fucking did it. After much considering meself traumafied, I’ve come to the conclusion I do indeed have a learning difficultya and as me mate and I discussed the other day, we’d be neurodiverse in today’s Universe. Unfortunately there wasn’t as much awareness around all this malarkey when we were kids, we were just told to ‘hurry up’ or ‘focus more’……not recognising that beneath the vacant exterior was overwhelm inferior. I could still request to be diagnosed – maybe with parts of ‘Auditory Processing Disorder, ADD or Dyslexia’ as this will give me more time to hand coursework in going forward. Current mood suggests “I don’t wanna study ever again” but I need to tell that thought to “Foxtrot Oscar Wilde” as I’m more than capable.

On that ‘The Notebook’, must watch that again soon as long as me Love Addict can handle it – I bumped into an old friend, now acquaintance yesterday. I’ve been obsessing around the recent abandonment of Ship but realised ‘rejection is God’s protection’ as a Fellow quite aptly reminded me. She looked put out when I told her about me recent accomplishments, having attempted to previously talk me out of it or settle for something less challenging at least. Her fears, her insecurities, her gear. I stood in me power, acted authentically and didn’t fawn or feel jealous of her new friendship. I saw a similar past dynamic play out in front of me very eyes and it re-confirmed I’m becoming healthier and hanging out with healthier people for me. Compared to the day before when I had no antagonising after thoughts on departing me new mate’s gaff, me body tells me when it’s a ‘no, no’. The same goes for a guy who recently dropped me as well although he’s deep in grief and co-dependent hell so totes get it but also, I’m no longer playing the roles they assigned to me or putting up with manipulation for their process addiction aids.

There’s a little bit of imposter syndrome going on as Online Tutor suddenly got nervous when he saw me for the first time. Me Video decided to work but he was more than supportive before that, it’s what he does. Maybe overdid it on the chat today but still, it’s in his nature and let’s merit Mishiemoo with the accolades she and I deserve hehe 😉 I can still think “they’re only saying that because I’m attractive”. There may always be a bit of that going on but it doesn’t define me……I’m so much more than what I look like.

2nd Work Peer Mentor Appt coming up today and I’m chilling in bed making this read as red or red made as read whatever way you wanna read it haha. I had preconceptions of ‘Heads Up’ Lady making a mockery of me mental health acquisitions but she was / is warm, respectful and super encouraging without pressurising or patronising me.

Today’s ‘This Morning’ segment was around Teaching so me HP Source is defo guiding and supporting me on me life’s purpose. I was born to be a Learning Teaching Assistant and “I will get there if it bloody ‘Killing Eve’.

On the date front, getting a bit peeved off with it tbh. I struggle to make the first move and when I do, something always goes awry. I need to be work focussed anyways and maybe isn’t the right time but the majority just want a Pen Pal. I get it because that was me back in the day, typical Avoidant but that doesn’t mean I have to put up with it today. I is becoming Available in it. I’ve been researching more into attachment issues as it goes and I’m defo an disorganised type, a combo between anxious and avoidant dependent on the other person and situation but there are plus traits which I’m honing into to dig meself. Speaking of digging meself, I had crazy sexual energy the other week, which the old patterned me wanted to share that with a man, but instead, I saved it for meself. I strut round me Flat in me new bikini admiring me slim but every so curvy body dancing to some choons whilst sipping tea and a couple of biscuits. It felt great. I totally embraced all that is me including me imperfections. I’ve also been celebrating me period bloat, which floats me boat. I’ve been getting so much attention as of late due to me skimpier summer outfits, but none have been obscene nor out of sync with the rest of society. Me outfit obsessions have returned due to uncomfortable feelings surfacing as a result of struggling within the education system over the years and not receiving the support I deserved but also didn’t ask for. It’s cool, though, because there’s positive connotations as well. I’ve been making the most out of the clothes I have left after giving loads away and selling some plus making the most out of me body and feeling more confident within that area especially where me cellulite is concerned. Also, me wobbly and thicker thighs are strong and muscly in their own way from walking so much. I’ve only just started noticing those indentations and thinking ‘wow’.

Best go, to get this ‘getting ready show’ on the road x

I’ve chooned into Jo Wileys Show, Radio 2 just in the nick of time to hear ‘Acid Eyes’ followed by ‘Stranded Words’ by ‘Paolo Nutini’ which features a Spoken Word piece. I’m loving the melody and sentiment already…..although it’s propelling me into a romantic obsession over the Record Shop Guy that’s got a GF…….more about that later. So many SW Signs leading me to do more, be more, showpiece me innate talent. I must start practising again as it’s gone by the wayside of late…..but that’s cool, I’ve had loads on. I’ve really got something, others think so too plus I’m confident up there. It allows me to shine where my personal shyness swallows me up in it’s self-conscious state of solitude.

So I started me online ‘Behaviour That Challenges Course’ today. I was super stressed even though I meditated and prayed up to fill me cup of spiritual stanzas. Not only does me Laptop Microphone not work but the Camera ceased working too which is bloody handy considering how much I switched off and wandered around during the prolonged session. I felt grateful though as the Tutor made amendments to cater for me tech issues. I did really well and he sensed I had experience within the ‘Care Sector’ due to me articulate answers. See, I’m more capable than me thinks. It touched on loads of Recovery Tools so quids in. I requested more breaks going forward which was well received. I used the ‘Assertive Slide’ and the current bun self-development work to ask for me wants and needs to be met. I shared when I didn’t understand something or asked for more specific questions instead of pretending I got it or indeed panicking and giving up. I’m sooooo not an Audio Learner. I struggle to take it in / start zoning out. I’m sure that’s a trauma response to Dad’s incessant talking / manic behaviour growing up. I’m a Visual and Hands On Learner…….well I’ve defo been that in the depths of dirty despair 😉 I can’t help but project into the future when studying / academia or training is involved. I wanna do everything now but it’s simply not fathomable. For one, those four hrs in front of the screen was enough for one day. I can catch up with the Workbook on Wednesday (me day off) and again on the weekend. The due date isn’t until the 15th anyways but defo can’t do me other Avoidance tic tac and leave it until lastminute.com.

I couldn’t wait to get out and about so shot off down to the Seafront to breath in some fresh air…..oh and pop into 22A Queen Street to ask Cute Guy out for Coffee. I was in two minds as didn’t feel guided either way and Fellows weren’t responding to me Outreach Requests. I felt sick with nerves which was apparent during our convos. It was painful……let me tell you but I did it. He ummed for a while and attempted to find out in what capacity till finally informing me that he was with Bird “God Dammit”. I had an incling that would be the closing case, I’m only attracted to unavailable guys hehe. He agreed to a drinky poos in a friend sense but I declined by saying “I wouldn’t do that, it’s against my morals”. He probably thinks I’m a devout Christian not a Sex and Love Addict who acted out out only a couple of wks ago……..but it saved me from further confusion and a what if this is the one? type scenario and weeks of getting to know him lil by lil then finding out he’s attached…..completely destroying me fantasy. I could’ve slipped back into old behaviour and gotten his digits anyway…..knowing full well that I’m attracted to him and would sit there getting me hopes up more and more each time we met so well proud of meself. I also admitted that I felt a lil bit embarrassed but he was really kind and gracious about the whole thing. I didn’t run off straight away either, I got over meself, had a convo about Southend then left……feeling disappointed and a lil emotional. I need to remember I’m also in withdrawals from me Qualifier and Intrigue Guy whose still very present in me mind. I feel ashamed for sending pics to gain attention / try and manipulate but hey, it’s all part and parcel of the process with the mostess. He could’ve blocked me but he won’t because he’ll be enjoying the power / leaving it open.

I attended a wicked good Meeting tonight which was right up me apt street then jumped on here to download the gear.

Oo, I had a fab day catching up with an old fam friend yesterday. It left me feeling both nourished and deprived as I wished me own Mum was that emotionally available and accepting of who I am. She says she is but like most Immature Parents who haven’t done the healing work, she wants me to be an extension of her good self……..erm no thanks. I love her dearly but I’m trying to incorporate more balance and authenticity in da mix. I forgot how much time I actually did spend with Jackie, her late Husband Jim (who died a couple of years back on me sober date btw) and their Son Dan. She even told me “she loved me” as we departed yesterday which brought a massive lump to me throat. We had a beautiful Lunch followed by a Coffee @ Sands which looks out to the Sea. We vibed straight away again and spoke about all subjects including our own lives, the monarchy and therapy. I did change me food order after realising how expensive it was (only £11 something). I think she realised so questioned me but I people pleased. Defo learnt from that as I deserved something more along the lines of what I wanted and better tolerated.

Beating meself up for various responses today but gotta let that perfectionism go and concentrate on me progress in the face of diversity. I really showed up for meself again today and was of service to me Co-Sponsor and a Fellow last night. I am more than capable of running and organising this new Meet Up for peeps like moi in me local area and ordering literature…..one step at a time.

That romantic interaction (on my side) would’ve done me before but I won’t allow Addict Annie cloud me judgment long term anymore. I’m striving for success in all it’s glory and mess.

A good time to finish as some background Jazz leads me into relaxation time x

So since we last connected on the down low, I’ve been an absolute Pro of the Programme without slipping into Perfectionism Planet of the Traipse.

I attended a Breathwork / Meditation / Yoga Session where the Teacher was desperately trying to intrigue with me but I was aving none of it. Sometimes, the more I refrain, the more Men gain from some satisfaction of trying to break me down. They see it as a challenge etc or just out right Avoidants like meself. I felt drugged up as I walked out with how relaxed I felt then Negative Nancy hit me like a ton of Pricks when it was time for shut eye.

I attended an Interview for a Support Worker with Vulnerable Adults, got the job then turned it down yesterday as one of the shifts didn’t work for me and feel me skillset suits a School better. They were super cool and left the door open. I’m doing a free online ‘Behaviour That Challenges’ course next week so that should put me in good stead for becoming a SEND Teaching Assistant.

I went to the Leigh Folk Festival for the first time on Sunday and managed to put some healthy boundaries in with me beautiful friend after a while. We were just chatting or wandering around as I people pleased to begin with but needed some music / alone time. She responded with respect as per always. I then felt me head go with alcohol and Qualifier stuff, felt proper alone then bumped into a couple of Fellows who invited me to a different substance Fellowship. Theirs is more similar to ours, as in they dig a lot deeper. Proper good recovery in that room so have ditched the other ones for more of that please. Also, I received confirmation today via social media that others were pissed off with the gossipy behaviour in that room / meetings. I shouldn’t doubt meself so much, I knew it was unhealthy.

I rocked up to me Therapy Sesh armed with a week’s worth of gritty turf with a comeback better than Elvis’ tour of the same name. That reminds me, I must take Mother to see the new Baz Luhrmann Film.

I then treated meself to a Cream Tea @ Costa then was led on an HP Trip of a lifetime. I ended up outside Focal Point Gallery watching a Spoken Word Piece (on the big screen) by a young Girl named Misha followed by a wander into 22A Queen’s Road South Records Shop to the sound of ‘Tonight, Tonight’ by Smashing Pumpkins which holds huge sentimental value for me then started chatting to the rather cute Sales Assistant about our go to music. There were moments of shyness and awkwardness as I used this opportunity to practice me dating questions. All went rather well plus I got his name and he said “hopefully see you again”. Now……being a Sex and Love Addict, I have to be very careful with fantasy and not get carried away with “this is the one” in that warped head of mine nor can I deny the attraction. He mentioned a band which I was hesitant about listening to due to the above criteria causing potential hysteria but I felt the pull. They only released their latest album on my sober date……OMFG. I can’t pop in for the next two weeks anyways so gonna listen to me Co-Sponsor and just pray and meditate around it. Is he meant for me?, is it a test? Or does he have creative / friend value? I’ll keep you updated on the dating scene as match.con is doing me head in.

I visited Mother on Wednesday, caught up with a few mates whilst at it……not literally haha, stayed overnight then wrote a poem about how dark and dim Romford is on me journey home. We had a nice time as it goes. Twas good to spend some time with with the fam including Misty the Cat.

The want to re-visit the Seedy Seychelles of Southend has been on me a bit but used the tools of the trade to dissuade me methods of madness so all good in da hood…..just gotta ‘keep on keeping on’.

Finally – I pushed meself right out of me comfort zone and accepted an invitation to Trapeze Yoga by a new acquaintance / maybe new friend. I did okay considering it was me first time. The upside down stuff was scary but I waited for the Instructor to come over and show me. The old me would’ve been really hard on meself for not getting things right straight away, compared meself to other ppl and gotten teary, wanted to or actually left the session. We had a coffee, grub and chat afterwards. I had to in-still some healthy boundaries again and cut the timing to a minimum. She’s defo one of us without being in recovery but sounds like she’s doing or has done some work on herself. I didn’t people please too much and even suggested we sit in the sun after she wanted to stay in the shade. There was a space where it was half and half. My needs matter as well. I used to always put others needs above me own then felt resentful afterwards. She’s a lovely girl, not sure if a great match for me atm but as me mate said – I can just spend short spurts with her and see how it goes. Show me someone without attachment issues……erm….there are none and need to work on me all or nothing attitude. Defo can’t see certain ppl that are proper in the shit with it atm but give it time.

That’s me for now. Sooooo tired. I won’t be able to walk tmr……me joints are fucked already haha.

Speak soon yer loons x

So I swiped back into me self-sabotaging sexual deviant ways @ the ‘Vampire Weekend’. I Hadn’t processed me EDMR session around me old Mucker Grief and convinced meself that everyone in the Substance Fellowship hated me because I shared me opposed opinions in both Meeting and Coffee time afterwards. I was struggling to ‘Stuart Copeland’ and in desperate need of healthy guy friends but there ain’t any…..so I reached out to two Fellowship Buddies, one on the Addict side and one on the Anorectic side. I tried holding on by attending the Cinema but ended up feeling more lonely and more tearful. I’d already reached out to number one culprick in the name of me Qualifier who as predickted got back to me toot sweet. As soon as I entered the Car of doomsville, I started sobbing which resulted in a full on ‘Massive Attack’…..for those of you who are a lil behind with le Mishiemoo lingo…..that’s code for ‘panic attack’. I ain’t had one like that since me Father was ill in hospital. It went on for what seemed like ‘Batman Forever’. Tbf me Ex ain’t a Cunt, he’s just a Sex and Love Addict without a programme……”erm he’s had 25 years mind you to get with it” so not much of an excuse really. He’s in and out (literally) of every Vulnerable Vagina going expecting some kind of healthy relationship at the end of it. That’s the fucking way of the illness Man. Thank Group of Drunks I have a Fellowship to ‘Fall Out Boy’ on…..whoops Freudian Slip.

So he was an absolute Star and got me through the worst of it then drove me back to me Flat. I was super high on sugar and caffeine @ the time which showed no sign of slowing down so our intense convos took us to 4am…..wtaf? We could hardly keep our eyes open but kept going.

I woke up with the worst emotional hangover and just wanted to isolate and Carry On Paranoia……so I challenged me Mental Mish and gave into the Beach. Had a great time as it goes and even bared me bod in a bikini. First time doing that in front of friends for over 20 years. As per usual – me mate didn’t get the insecure thinking (even though she has it big time just prefers to hide it under a guise of false confidence) so bless her……kept trying to make me feel better by inadvertently humiliating me in front of everyone by being super loud about the cellulite I DON’T have.

I did however tap into me natural curves upon me return to da Flat and decided it would be a good idea to model some matching underwear and not only send a few pics to a guy I’ve intrigued with before (who btw has stopped responding to me messages) but entice me Ex back round again with some pillow talk. Haha….that’s a polite way of putting it. “It’s nearly two years since I’ve delved into the darkness, I deserve it” said me alto ego. He agreed then his voice of reason came in re not using one another for sex and wanting more than that…..blah, blah, blah. I was disappointed but dittoed him on the sensible angle. I tried being disciplined but me head was too far gone so I proceeded to manipulate him by sending a pic. I felt super hot. It’s suffice to say, he came and came round haha. We didn’t have full on ‘Interpol’ thank goodness as no condoms in da house but it re-ignited all me old emotional ties. I honestly thought I could ‘Get Carter’ with it but alas, I was proved wrong as I have been many times before. He hadn’t been looking his best either but looked particularly fit this night and our chemistry connection was the writing on the wall.

To be continued…………..

To shed a long Jacka Fucking (nearly but not quite) nory short man syndrome – I was hooked, line and sinkered. I revisited this scenario once more after copious amounts of obsessive thoughts / jealousy / fear and anxious attachment issues with shit loads of tissues. Crying before, in-between and afterwards ain’t the sexiest feeling in the world. I felt de-graded and paraded around like some kind of warped Woman possessed with wounded wonderment of sorrow sharing.

I’ve been in wicked withdrawals ever since yet this time around, I’ve used the tools to da max, upped me self-care, boundaries and all round rigour reflection. I need to distance meself from Process Addiction Buddies who are in it without a limit, bring the focus back to me goals and aspirations and shun the shamalam.

Me Co-Sponsor was an avid part of bringing it back to basics and letting go of the need to apologise again before it’s time. His controlling critique left a bleak mark on everything that’s dark about him, sinning as his winning way made its way back to this Trauma Bonded Girl……..0069.

“Farewell Ex……..your go to moves aren’t that smooth anymore. Everyone’s aware and even those that aren’t are being warned of your reputation to continue your love affair through the rooms of your constant supply. You’ll die alone because postponement of the real work is ongoing……knowing deep down what you suffer with but in and out of denial for the vile undercurrent is electrocuting your system into believing you’re well and ready for settling a sordid state of reality……drop me out”

Next………….