Chilling out with Jamie Cullum’s Jazz Show on Radio Two after being led to an Eastenders episode from three months back…….and low and behold – Stu came back from his Retreat all Meditated up and Mick mentioned a Higher Power. Coldplay’s hit of the same name played in the background as I sat aving me pedicure done. I also treated meself to a manicure and Boy do I deserve it. I needed to bring the focus back to self-care after a difficult night @ Mischa Mansions full of trepid tales of grumbling grief beneath the sheath of sordid sex sampling. I did well to hang on to me physical sobriety but acted out with food instead. I downed a whole bag of Jelly Babies after five Coffees, a Cookie and Burger and Chips Meal. Could’ve been so much worse mind you and has been in recent months……believe me!!! The desire to weigh meself this morning was super strong but I resisted the urge to purge in measurement matter. Instead, I sat sunbathing in the basking sunshine as I tried engaging with a guided talk on how to slow down a racing mind but it soooooo didn’t work, probably because I simultaneously drank a can of 7Up. Oh the Jeremy Irony.

The sexualising stress gig was on me again this evening as I craved being caressed by two particular Men (not together may I add – I ain’t that greedy haha) so made a lifeline call instead and eat some bread haha. Well I toasted it first……obvs and it wasn’t a stuffing me feelings down scenario by stuffing me face, I was a Hungary Lil Catepillar. Defo didn’t eat enough today but at least I stuck to me main three meals to pay the bills.

I spent this morning re-connecting me Printer to all me devices and ordered some new cartridges, ink is nilage a tu. Twas pretty proud of meself as I’ve been avoidant around trying to sort it out again bar Saturday’s visit to the Medieval Merry Men’s Humble Abode. I’ll translate to current slang Souffend lingo – “they didn’t ave a scoobie about new fandangled techno wizardry”.

I then spoke to a guy from an Agency who supports ppl with Mental Mental Chicken Oriental issues back into the world of employment. He seemed very nice but me patience was on the down low. He could’ve explained what they do in half the time but he went all round the bleeding houses. Friends that do this too has highlighted me own troubles with this. I defo need to re-train me brain to be more direct as it’s draining beyond belief.

I printed off me Vinted Label, me Account’s proper taken off then popped into a Job Agency after recent recommendation but they couldn’t cater for me needs. So proud of meself for not giving into peer pressure and standing me ground re times to start and finish / hrs per week.

I did some Yoga this morning which had the opposite effect. I found it so uncomfortable and still feel stiff as a board. I think it’s more emotional as I haven’t sat with the route cause after EDMR Therapy yesterday. I was too busy running away from it. The session centred around me Dad’s death and what memories I wanna keep (in general) and what memories I wanna let go of. Father’s Day is always next to or on me actual Birthday so the week leading up to it is always a tough one. I’ve gotta go real gently.

I’m sooooo tired. Me gots to go.

Night, night, sleep tight, don’t let the sex toys bite 😉

I’m bringing the Beach to me Bed by wearing a Tee with me Dad’s Seafront Print on mixed with a pair of Polka Dot Bikini Bottoms with the sound of Seagulls in the background. I’ve just had a massive cry up over me new obsession…….’Everything I Know About Love’. As mentioned in previous post, the resemblance to the old moi is uncanny!!! but mostly it’s made me realise what I’m missing from me life and that’s good Girly fun in da hood. I’ve never sat here and binge watched crap T.V with a mate whilst munching away on all the goodies that accompanies close company. I did it once at an old friend’s down the road but since living on me own, I’ve only hostessed two hour coffee slots and one overnight stay. I’ve been so frightened of intense connection / rejection / abandonment – it’s left me feeling deprived of anything real. I miss me Bestie aka Sis so so much. We catch up regularly via Whatsapp Video Chats but it’s not enough. We spoke for an hr and a half yesterday and I’m craving silly nights in. It doesn’t matter that I’m 42, since being in Recovery, everything feels so ‘Superstition’ all the ‘Time after Time’.

It’s time to bring ‘Smells Like Teen Spirit’ back. I’m half way there with me new found friends. I’m hoping me Birthday Bonanza @ our local Tearooms will kick start these much needed pamper sessions into Southend City. I was never one for getting ready with all the Ladies before heading into Town. I tried me best but never felt comfortable. I think it’s time to change that. Me self-esteem is much better these days. I no longer feel inadequate. I’m as worthy, pretty and talented as the next person. Women are no longer a threat since sex and love addiction has taken a back seat. It’ll never leave me but it’s how I deal with those demons which ‘Count Dracula’. Our forever growing lil group of Woke Women is shmoking and I’m proud to be associated and Part Of. I’m even hoping me gathering on Saturday will encourage some further ‘Bond Street’. They’ve never met but I have a sneaky incling – they’re gonna get on like a nostalgic song.

I managed to get through the night without Acting Out Out. It was such a struggle but I got me head on the pillow without making a Cow Girl Call. I haven’t had ‘Sex on Fire’ for nearly two years and tbh – I’m fooking gagging for it. ‘I Can’t Get No Satisfaction’ without jumping into bed is a lonely hearts column in itself. Maggie from EIKAL reminded me how lonely and degrading it can be. I’m a beautiful person and deserve to be treated with more respect. That’s why I’m doing things differently this time with Mischaps (see what I did there 😉 along the way…..”well let’s call them lessons with confessions”.

I did some proper nourishing things first thing but hadn’t been outside so decided to Party in Priory Park with a modern day Big Band. As I approached the warm somewhat familiar tones of one of the Singers – I couldn’t believe me eyes when what stood before me was a carbon copy of me ex intrigue / fantasy of the past two and a half years. I recently slipped again with him – only via messaging and phone as he’s currently living abroad but as per usual – that turned me into an absolute ‘Eton Mess’ so had to call it. He was cool but the aftermath full of embarrassment led to more of the same in the name of offloading all me worries without wanting a response. I think he’d Brandon Blocked me by then anyways and I’ve since reciprocated after Mother tried giving me his fucking number whilst recovering from two minor heart attacks. I point blankly refused and got news to him via a mutual friend. Seeing this guy, gave me the same buzz and I literally couldn’t control my flirtatious behaviour from afar but I walked away in control because I didn’t make a ‘Don’t Be Fooled Again’……however I stalked him when I returned home……just to make doubly sure it wasn’t Frankie but also to re-ignite an unhealthy coping mechanism. I nearly did the deed of stalking the above on Social Media again but made a call to a couple of Fellows instead.

It brought up some tough emotions and I did have a mass debate after not reaching for the next worst person (for me anyways) but hey – I can live with that kinda slip plus I don’t flick the bean in a compulsive manner. It’s not always for the right reasons but “hey, I do have natural human desires as well”. Also, it’s less than a week till Father’s Day so I’ve got all that to contend with. Thank ‘Goodness Gracious Me’ I’ve got Therapy later on this morning. BTW – I woke up about 1.30am. It’s currently 05.46. I’m pretty chilled as I’ve got this as an outlet again which counts as one of me five top lines a day so sorted with Caffeine and Yorkshire Puddings.

I’ve proper settled into skintdom and all the creative ways to eat and seek out freebies it brings. It’s made me realise just how resourceful I am plus less financial dependence on me Fam gives me a Can Do attitude. Empowering in all me flowering glory….I think that’s more than enough ramble for today.

Until next time when I discuss Mismatch.com 😉 x

As it states in the Title, I’ve been away for nearly a year Mannnnn due to Laptop being in and out of Rehab……and the IT Fixer Uppers said ‘No, No, No’. The MC in me MIC just won’t let up so I’ve resigned to ze fact this Computer ain’t in full tact……much like me good self mwahahaha.

Other Ex Factors (cause there’s plenty of them)…..include – too shrewd (which btw I just attempted to spell with a oo like MOOD) to start a feud…..yes you’ve guessed it…..me Poetry and Spoken Word endeavours took over bigtime but mostly…….I’ve been living life……and hurdling over humungous heights (love a bit of alliteration) of sickness in the name of severe intolerances which led to Eating Disorder calamity, switching to a gentler (Avoidance) style Steps, EDMR Therapy which stands for: Energise Da Mental Rhythm (let’s go with that shall we ;), writing me first hit chooooooonnnnnnnn (just call me Mischa Skinner) and Sober Fooking Dating with some Fam probs thrown in for the much needed sequel to ‘Take Time Out Out from Mother Dearest’.

Let’s take a re-ee-wind to the most important Date Deets. So I met a Fella on a famous dating site…..paid for may I add for better clientele…….she says whilst struggling to find a more suitable Suitor (there I go again with the alliteration). ‘I just don’t know what to do with meself’ da da. Anyways – back to the original narrative: before embarking on such familiar yet Alien territory nowadays – I had to fill in a dating plan to save meself the heartache of falling back into sex and love addiction practices and guess what – it only fucking works but here’s the catch 22 (me lucky number) – underneath all that acting out out, I’m acting in in so I have to force meself to even engage in such messages or meeting up up. I can’t stop the twice twice thang…..somebody stop stop me me ;).

So after many calls and tears I showed up to the Coffee Shop as planned and really enjoyed his company. I stuck to me boundaries, kept it short and sweet then returned to learn if he was for me or not, a further two times. He’s not, cause for once he massively overshared…….offloaded more like and I didn’t reciprocate yayyyyyy so, since I’ve heard head nor tale from him…..I’m cool as a Cat in a Hat because I didn’t do me usual and attach too quickly plus it’s given me more food for thoughts on me wants and don’t wants.

I’m intense, me family’s intense, me friend’s are intense, the Fellowships are intense and even me neighbours are intense so I just want a grounded Tradesman who has a bit of banter and a sensitive side. “Fuck the Creatives”……we’re all far too deep and I weep at the thought of yet another thwarted talk……as much as I love them……I want a ‘Ken’ to my ‘Pink’.

Since we’re on the subject of Singers, I did me best Stars in their Eyes impression whilst sorting out me Jumpsuit zipper in the public loos, Souffend. The bleeding thing got stuck so whilst undressing, untangling the mess and redressing (do I get a prize for mentioning using not one, not two but three ess’s?), I used this opportunity to spin some spiritual songs whilst performing in front of the mirror……silver lining and all that jazz. Thank gawd I didn’t discover this party for uno back in me using daze.

Fast forward to today and after a shit outcome at the Free Fix Yer Printer Event, I skidaddled to another Free Event @ The Yoga Factory and prayed for a new friend……who turned up in the guise of a cool Hippy Chick who speaks my kinda language. Another Sista for the Sober Club…….yessssssss.

After returning to a Substance Fellowship of late, I contemplated parking me bum in a room full of Addicts but I’d used up all me energy so I stayed in and started watching ‘Everything I Know About Love’. I’m super glad because the main character is a mix between the old and new me. She’s got all the ism’s and a Blogger / Writer to boot so ere I am. I’ve been gearing up to this day for a while but needed the extra ‘Aww push it, push it real good’ after a prompt from a mate on FB yesterday.

Kalinichta Warrior Princesses and Princes x

P.S – I’ll include ya’ll in me plans from now on. Consider that a written Contract!!!

I’m sitting ere in Bed with ‘Do you want some Fruit with that Bowl’ and a Camomile Tea whilst listening to recommended Band ‘First Aid Kit’. I think me Rock n’ Roll days are well and truly over, don’t you? Haha!!!

Today started off proper rough after dreaming about me last Intrigue and an Ex Friend and New Boyf Enmeshment type scenario. The thing is – it wasn’t far from the truth. The past has come back to well and truly bite me on the Arse. I lured me last Victim in and didn’t deliver the goods…..but in the case of the zzz’s – he kicked off then had an accident. It was frightening. I felt ‘All Shook Up’ so did ‘The Specials’ and rang a “Fellowship Friend” said in the voice of one of ‘The Inbetweeners’…..just so you get the gist. That calmed me down plus a quick pop in the Shower ready for the 9.30am Small Meeting. I couldn’t get through to me Step Dad the past five days nor did he get back to me…..so as per usual I’d convinced meself I’d done something to upset him. I tried to rationalise the trauma thoughts but they won in the end. I cried throughout the last part of the session but that’s okay. He then rang me. We had a mature chat about everything so was ‘Sorted for E’s & Wizz’…actually that segways nicely into Friday night. I was super triggered by watching ‘Britop Glastonbury’. I felt so resentful about me old mates probably being on their fifth line of Coke / enjoying some music whilst I was sitting on me tod watching telly and stuffing me face with a couple of Apples so I could make me five a day (I ltr had a giggle with a FF about that). Honestly the amount of potential Comedy Skits which come from two Addicts talking to one another is unbelievable. I turned it off in the end and opted for the East at the beginning of that word completed by an ‘s’.

“Newsflash – I finished me Nectarine now onto me Grow a Pear”.

Back to the weekend. I woke up on the Saturday feeling extremely grateful that I’m sober and didn’t wake up with a nasty hangover and a head full of regret. I did feel a lil lost though so got ready after the Meeting and headed out. I struggled to own it as most of me clothes are hanging off me. I’ve gotta be careful not to lose any more weight so fed meself up last week. I fancied a Bacon Sarnie and Decaf Coffee so treated meself to both @ me local fave Cafe. I ‘Thoroughly Modern Millie’ enjoyed it. I then went for a walk and bumped into me mate from AA and her Partner. They invited me to join them for a Soft Drink so I did…..look at me being all social and stuff!!! That bit of connection took me focus off ‘Acting Out’ for the sake of it. I ain’t used to all this peace and serenity. Even though that’s all I’ve ever wanted, the sick part of me brain still craves drama.

“Newsflash – I’ve just downed me Pear now onto me Satsuma (just as the word ‘Oranges’ is being sung…..well it’s close enough hehe).

That evening saw me in a completely different headspace with Glasto. I drummed along to some classics…..thanking the crowd every time I finished a song then danced with Kylie as she smashed her set a couple of years back.

Sunday saw me @ Jazz in the Park. It took everything I had to keep the tears @ ‘James Bay’ as I watched the incredible 70 year odd Drummer. He’s technique was off the scale. I wore a hoody, jeans and trainers yesterday and today with zero makeup and felt really pretty and content within meself. I ave to thank me Higher Power for an extraordinary five days. I am soooo connected. For example – he led me to PMT (Music Shop) in Southend yesterday plus a Vegan Coffee (no 22 me lucky number) and Donut Gaff. An Allergist today plus a Spiritual Church / Centre and all round feeling present / productive and creative mode. “I thank thee from the bottom of me lil heart”. ‘Step Six’ is helping me no end. I just keep putting one foot in front of the other, ticking off once procrastinated tasks and allowing the rest to flow.

“Newsflash – Mischa lives down 29 Acacia Road…..if you know….you know” x

So it’s been nearly 2 weeks since I last graced these Elaine Paiges so ere goes………………..I decided lastmin.com to learn the second arf of me ‘Paradiddle diddle’ Poem (a drumming term btw) and continued to ‘Flam Tap’ me way into full on performance mode…..using props and everything. I spent 3 hrs perfecting the finer details and thought to meself “fuck it….just go for Gold tmw”. I geared me ‘wanting to remain small’ self into ‘allowing meself to be seen’ in all me Gloria Estefan. I even mentioned it @ a Meeting and chose some cool clothes and hat to top it all off. I get’s to the venue and it’s Workshop time to begin with. We had to write a Poem within 3.33 mins on the given theme then get up on the Mic and read them out. We did two rounds and even though me mind went slightly blank, I did it. Was super proud but wanted the world to swallow me up with crippling social anxiety. I spoke to a a few girls briefly, one who sat at me table and another couple that knew her but that was it. I didn’t even believe them when they paid me compliments. I physically felt chained to me chair. I wanted to approach peeps and join in but me shyness took over. Not a bad thing as the old adapted Addictive Me would’ve given everything all at once but it’s far healthier to get to know ppl gradually. As mentioned before the NA Geezer was doing me nut in as well. I found him so over the top and manic to a fault. Even me Sponsor agreed that those Fellows (not everyone) just never seem to land. They’re on one…..constantly. From where they’ve come from (mostly horrific backgrounds / stories) – just putting down the drugs is enough (I get it). I and other like minded ppl on the other hand are seeking emotional sobriety. I waited for the true ‘Spoken Word’ to start where I could strut me stuff but it ceased to arrive. He decided to give it a miss as some of the crowd had left blah…..blah….fucking blah. I asked “when the next one would be?” but he couldn’t respond with any clarity – “just had to keep popping back as I’m not on Social Media”. “Don’t think so mate…..I’ll take me talent elsewhere thanks where the events are more organised and structured”. Instead of focussing on all the positives from that day, I couldn’t stop obsessing over ‘what should’ve been’. Me Sponsor reminded me of how dangerous expectations can be. She was spot on of course but I have a choice in Recovery re what kind of ppl / vibe I prefer to be around.

I then bumped into an old acquaintance / work colleague from NA. We had a good ole chinwag then he guessed which Fellowship I’m in (only slightly obvious from me acting out days within the Rooms and Rehab haha). He’s a Therapist and thought it best to signpost one of his Clients to this one. He rang me a couple of days ltr asking for help. I was able to reach out on a mixed group for male support. I passed on his number – job done. I’m still wary of connecting with this person on a regular basis or planning to meet up / invite him round as I believe he has this stuff as well (without a programme) but happy to chat as and when. I can’t completely avoid all men as I have strong boundaries now but careful not to hang out with peeps who may have a thing for me, compulsive / controlling or manipulating by nature. The only guys I truly trust is my Step Dad and a Childhood Friend. I rang the latter on Wednesday. We had a mega catch up and I still left the conversation with self-doubts. “Was I really negative?, what must he think of me etc etc?” so gave in and overexplained meself. He reassured me which is what I’m trying to get away from but alas…..it’s back and fourth with this stuff….never a straightforward journey.

I nearly forgot to mention the ‘Online Art Therapy Session’ I attended. It was wicked. We had to engage in some bilateral drawing which engages both parts of the brain. It’s used to calm trauma related symptoms and I could see why. It felt soooooo relaxing. We then had to draw ourselves using our ‘Zoom’ image without looking down or taking our pens off the paper. My result was very abstract and a lil Picasso esque.

Last week proved the most challenging of all. It was the run up to me Birthday / Fathers Day which happened to clash this year. I managed to break down me chores over the duration of a few days as it spins me head out whilst showing up for meself and friends / family. A close mate took me out for lunch on the Wednesday which was lovely. I kept the meet up to 1 hr 20 as had to prepare for more socialising the following day. I made meself ill with anxiety for the upcoming plans so had to lay down with a near on migraine. I slept well (thankfully) so was more serene before me beautiful girlfriend of 13 years visited for the first time since moving here. I did go over by an hr but some of that was spent walking her down to the Seafront. I really enjoyed her company and appreciated her gifts but made some astute observations in meself. She commented on how good me figure’s looking. Apart from saying “I walk miles and thank you”. I went into a whole thing about it being easier for me because I’m not working, had to look after me mental health during the Pandemic and so on and so on. It’s as though I just wanted to minimise meself again and all the hard work I put in. I don’t have to prioritise self-care but I do because I’m committed to getting better. By the time Saturday came and not too much of a kick back from hanging out with peeps, I was in a good place. I felt @ peace in nature during me 8.3 mile walk and again whilst watching ‘Quadrophenia’ then the grief hit me. I sobbed me heart out and literally held on with dear life. The emotional pain was off the scale, I just wanted me Ex to rescue me but I stayed close to me fellows and the tools and got through it somehow.

Sunday arrived, I’d hardly slept and was in a panic about what to wear due to me Sex and Love Addiction issues. I chose a Pop Art Minidress in the end with White Tights and me Flowery DM’s because me motives were pure. I can’t tell you how many hives I came out in, in the lead up. Me Uncle and Step Dad arrived an hr and a half early to the Restaurant which wound me up. Me Uncle got confused. All that re-arranging cause he couldn’t cope with getting to me @ the time I had suggested in the first place went straight down the drain….so I then had the two of them plus Mum and a close Family and Dog @ mine. I did me best to ground meself but felt completely overwhelmed. I was taken aback with the amount of thoughtful presents I received and again….a little embarrassed re the compliments about the way I looked. I wanted to crawl into meself. I felt meself shrinking by the minute. The family headed out for the day and Me, Mum, Uncle and Step Dad headed to the Bistro. I misread the Owner’s response so came over a lil impatient. He said “If you just give me a min…..”. I apologised but couldn’t let it go. I asked me fam “if I was out of order?” and everyone said “no”. I felt so bad for upsetting him then zoned out when me Uncle incessantly spoke about his job……as per usual. I wasn’t coping nor enjoying meself. Felt triggered and uncomfortable. I struggle so much with group dynamics and just want everyone to be okay so that I could be ok. A trauma response which isn’t useful in adulthood as me Sponsor pointed out. Me Step Dad and I had fun @ the arcades. Me Mum tried a little but then lost interest. I was so concerned that the other two were bored that I called it a day. Secretly I wanted them to “fuck off” so I could relax with the person who does share the same interests as me. Mum got a lift back with the family and SD and U came back to mine for a Cuppa. I had to say in the end “I’m really tired” as me Uncle just didn’t get the hint.

I spent the next two days in bed crying and obsessing about the whole affair. I attempted to concentrate on the good to no avail. Me head just wouldn’t stop. I did everything I could to challenge them but it was / is a constant battle. I was emotionally and physically spent. All I could do was muster up some food for meself. I came out of the hole naturally until me head kicked off and was in tears again before I knew it. I had to make meself pick up me mouth guard from the Dentists and spk to a mate then go for a walk. I then had an amazing ‘Higher Power’ intervention that night. I’ve been off ‘Facebook’ for 10 months which has been the second most liberating thing I’ve ever done, the first being coming into this Fellowship. Anyways me Addict Brain wanted me back there so I could seek validation. I was then led to Van the Man’s new material. He’s only gone and written a song called ‘Why are you on Facebook?’. The lyrics are spot on and soon curbed me distraction methods. I looked up whilst laughing and crying @ the same time and thanked me Dad. I then switched on the T.V. and watched a film about an Addict in Recovery. It highlighted that God loves us for who we are warts and all. I know that but needed to hear it again.

I then met up with an acquaintance yesterday. We spent 3 hrs intensely speaking about our stuff – she’s one of me so a lil hard not to and found a gentler approach in how I spk to meself afterwards. We had a lovely time and she messaged me wanting to do the same again soon. I then ordered a new Phone Upgrade. Spent an hr discussing which model / tariff and general chitter chatter. I massively overshared. I almost find it impossible not to when the other person does so again – it’s a process. It’s gonna take time and practice. We had a right giggle so that’s the main thing. Me sense of humour was top notch and should embrace that part of meself. Apparently I’ve been a funny lil thing since a kid. I had a nap upon me return, watched an episode of ‘The Great British Sewing Bee’ which I’m loving atm then did an hr’s reading on ‘Step Six’ (Asking God to remove me defects) which proper helped with me perfectionism antics.

I woke up to a mind madness scenario with ruminating thoughts about yesterday’s conversations. I turned the volume down by reaching out and helping another Fellow. I’ve been a lil pissed off that I can’t seem to see people and do Creative Activities. It’s one or the other but I’ve reached a level of acceptance around that. Instead of pushing meself when not feeling it. I’ve done what I could just to get through the day and this afternoon, craved the Want to Write. Patience really is a virtue. Thank you for reading Rat Fans xxx

It’s been a pretty packed couple of wks. I visited Mother on the back of bumping into one of her friends whilst walking along the Seafront. Was proper missing her. We spoke about a much needed visit that same morning but I was short of funds and wary of doing too much socialising before me Course that wkd. I saw Sue as a sure-fire sign into the Leo Kingdom. We spent some quality time together on the Friday and enjoyed a Coffee with Muckers on the Saturday. I felt really low upon me ‘Return to Oz’. An emptiness of missingness hurt me heart from the inside out. I cuddled the Teddy I bought Mum when Rehab was me home for the month as I turned over to ‘Moonstruck’ – one of her fave films of all time which helped cradle me Inner Bubba. Although sadder than sad, I viewed this as a breakthrough. I usually feel relieved after too much time together. Me company compass is making room for intimacy yayyyyyyyy. After spending arf the night crying me eyes out, I wondered how the hell I was gonna make the Free (YES FREE) Creative Writing Session but I bloody made meself. I did some chores to help with the ole anxiety, washed me hair, donned some tartan trousers and applied some 60’s eyeliner to complete me look. Mum kindly offered to buy me some makeup and moisturiser as I was struggling with me cheap replacements. The Lady suggested it maybe due to the oiliness of the products. She was spot on as me tried and tested N0 7 and Benefit combo worked a treat.

I had it in me head we were there to learn how to form sentences or stanza’s around fictional characters but nope – we were thrown in @ the deep end and told to swim haha. We were given the theme ‘food’ and had to write a Rhyme on the spot describing our munch (Pie & Mash), we then had to write about a known story using our chosen dish / dishes as our Protagonist (Clueless Trailer / White Magnum and Ice pole) and lastly was given the assignment of writing descriptive words in relation to eats. We combined our efforts and came up with an obscure couple of Pros / Poems. As per usual, I felt inferior to the rest of the Group (only three others including the Tutor) so had to push through the ‘tears for fears’ welling up. Usually I completely shut down during exercises such as that but used me new skills to pay the bills and it worked. It helped that the others were kind and a disclosure @ the beginning revealing our mental health issues certainly broke down the barriers. I felt embarrassed reading me work out but it was well received and upon reflection – I did a better job than I first thought. Me self-esteem was given a shot in the right direction. I was super proud of meself and so was me Step Dad.

I then spent a week sorting out Life Admin shit, conversing with me Sponsor, Drumming, Walking and Socialising. Saturday saw me rocking up to a ‘Spoken Word Open Mic’ Sesh as suggested by an Acquaintance earlier on in the wk but alas they decided to do ‘Disco Bingo’ instead. I was introduced to the main guy who organises the Events. After he not so subtly threw a couple of Fellowship lines in, I quickly realised he was one of our lot. I reckon he was trying to work out if I was / am too but I didn’t let on. Defo NA. You can always tell by their buzziness, harshness and all round lack of presentness. I’ve displayed number one and three for years gone by so I’ve got a blooming cheek judging him but “My Oh My” did he trigger me…..bigtime. I felt proper unsafe and totes clammed up with other peeps. You see ‘he’d be me normal type’ but instead of gravitating towards him especially cause he’s got a GF, I was repulsed by him. Horrible yet positive reaction me thinks. I was ‘All Shook Up’ so took a stab at seeing if Muvva was around for another visit. She was……’Thank Goodness Gracious Me’. We scoffed Coffee and Cake @ Valerie Patisserie, took a stroll around the shops then dined out at the local Italian. We sat outside as it was a beautiful day and really enjoyed ourselves. It felt so good to be in the moment and not ‘Returning to the Forbidden Planet’. We later watched a music thang with Gary Barlow followed by ‘Rocketman’. Mum was viewing it with fresh mince pies which made the experience even more enjoyable. As per always I sobbed me Sheila’s out . Mama asked “Why?”. I was able to discuss and ask “why she always asks the same question”? She said “because I think it’s me that’s upset you, a memory from the past etc”. This cleared up so much for me. I’ve been frustrated with her for months re not allowing me to ‘just be’. I said “I can’t take that guilt away from you unfortunately, only you can”. I was gutted I had to rush back so early the next morning, was expecting me ‘Hello Fresh Delivery’ you see.

I’d hardly slept the night before so took a kip on the couch after a Shower. I then rang up one of me Besties. Tbh I wasn’t in the right state of mind to do a video call but I was wary of letting her down. We had a great chat but I felt perplexed by one thing in particular. I kept mulling it over…..so much in fact that I cried whilst sitting on The Pier. Me Sponsor gave me a tool to help cope with all this caper but it didn’t / doesn’t work. I nearly acted out on it in fact. All this ‘Social Anorexia’ business is so painful. I managed to hold on then realised the next day, I’d done far too much the week before and hadn’t given meself a ‘Duvet Day’. “No bleeding wonder” I thought. I stayed in bed and braved a text message with that friend. She was so understanding. We sorted it out straight away. I’ve gotten used to ppl being defensive or avoidant so it was a nice surprise. I ain’t always broached subjects in the best way possible so still learning. I came from a more objectionable point of view this time around yayyyyy.

Because I gave meself permission to rest and cry on Tuesday – I had the most beautiful Wednesday, everything just seemed to flow. I wrote a couple of Poems (one in the Park), sunbathed and napped.

I woke up this morning remembering my dream about an ole couple friends of mine. I text the Gel Partner. She was well happy to hear from me as she’d been thinking about me. Hopefully we’ll catch up soon. Me Addiction soon made itself known so jumped on a Meeting which only seemed to encourage me fantasy but kept bringing it back. I felt out out of it both emotionally and physically so it took everything I had to get ready and go for a wander. 8.2 miles, two acquaintances and six blisters later, I returned home to even more desire inducing thoughts. I missed one of me pills (which sends me doolalley) and it’s Father’s Day on me Birthday. I even forgot Daddy Doran was dead at one point and went to message him. I ain’t done that in time. Me head’s not wanted to go there but it had to last night. I sooooo wasn’t up for cooking but as you can imagine I was Hank Marvin!!! ‘Moondance’ came on by me Old Man’s fave Artist as I was preparing the Chicken. I said “there you are, it’s been a while”. Feeling comforted and on the right track, I started to let go of not doing anything creative…..bar booking meself onto a Free Mindful Drawing Online Event this evening. I didn’t slip, that’s the main thing then something wondrous happened. I couldn’t sleep so chooned into ‘Sky Arts’. It was only showing ‘Quadrophenia Reunion 40 Years On’. I’m a massive Mod and ‘The Who’ Fan. I went to a Q&A @ ‘The Islington Assembly Hall’ @ the time with a close mate. This version was even better as they read out parts of the script. A documentary about ‘The Who’ shortly followed. I then came up with a Poem around the songs, lyrics and albums which have gotten me through significant times in me life and now I’m ere. Not bad for an early (zero zzz’s) start to me Friday. Hopefully this will enable me to relax then ‘Go Bye Bye’s’ x

Been awake since before 7am and yet I still can’t motivate meself to A – clean me Front Room, Bedroom and Floor or B – get ready to go out out…….so thought I’d do a spot of Blogging instead, at least it’s better than sitting in front of The Box. Tbh I’m just happy to relax into me day instead of Panic At The Perfectionism. Lil scared I’m slipping into unmanageability but that ain’t the case. The problem is all this normal type behaviour is still new to me. I really am starting to accept meself whatever mood I’m in. Contentment is pure bliss. Had a few obsessive thoughts swishing round me head this morning but a Fellowship Call soon put a stop to that!

I did a Meeting first thing on Tuesday then jumped straight on me Kit after a Drumming convo with a couple of other Fellows. I was livid after a guy asked me “how are you getting on?” especially after finding out he’s only been playing for five months. My self-righteousness kicked in louder than me Electric Bass Drum. I ranted down the phone to Mum “Oh I love how he just assumes I’ve only just started and he’s not ‘playing’, he’s ‘learning’ blah, blah, blah”. She only encouraged me Venting Vanessa so the masquerading as a light hearted Ray Rant continued to another two people before I sat down and well saw me ‘Ant McPartlin’. It was nowt to do with him, he only triggered me low self-esteem issues. I was jealous that I’m not that confident and ain’t practicing 1 – 2 hrs a day. Me co-dependency was rife although it did give me the nudge I needed. I still wanna build meself back up gradually as ave to be so careful with all that. I end up burning out out (as said in previous shares) and avoiding it altogether. I did feel the need to fill me way into the late evening after listening to the ‘Flaked’ soundtrack the night before mind you. I managed to achieve everything I wanted to that day just much later on after a good ole ‘Hue and Cry’.

Me mate picked me up @ 1pm then spent a few hrs at hers. We had such a wicked good catch up but I well overdid the Caffeine. I had two cups of the ard stuff. I’ve always been sensitive but even more so since sticking to DeCaf. I was in ‘Let’s Go Fly A Kite’ Land. Once I start, it’s hard to stop. What do you expect huh? I’m an Addict hehe. I hate the feeling now……although it did give me the energy to clean me Bathroom and Kitchen then go out for a walk. I’m preferring night time strolling this week. The sense of calm and presentness is good for me soul and Sole’s alike under de Sea.

I expected to feel absolutely shattered yesterday and a lil down so decided to sit and chill bar a mental long phone call with me Uncle. A person with all the isms brings out the unhealthy in me. I must learn to be more boundried and cut it at a decent time. I love him so much but dunn narff feel drained afterwards in comparison to the same amount of time with one of me close mates. I guess the difference is ‘we’re working on ourselves’…..not in a judgemental way….well a little as he’s been in The Priory twice and should know better but I empathise as this journey’s a painful one. He makes a joke out of everything as well which proper winds me up. I understand it’s a deflection strategy especially as he does it all the more when I or others do something well or try new things. Sometimes I genuinely laugh but mostly, I don’t feed his ego anymore and swiftly move on. Being more honest to meself then and him. I’m sick of just going along to make others feel comfortable. I apologised for giving him unsolicited advice last time and for sending him a text about something important. He was well cool and didn’t really get WHY I was saying ‘Sorry’. I think he’s so used to Mum nagging him, what’s one more in the Famalam? haha. I managed to communicate ‘how little or no contact from him’ makes me feel and he totally got it. He made some work excuse before but that’s just a recent thing, this has been going on for like……ever. The result sounded hopeful. I’ve made a start with planning me Birthday for June, wanna ave a proper Souffend day out with the Three Stooges hehe. I was well shocked they all agreed to come…..like straight away. I even asked me Step Dad “if he was sure?”. I guess past let downs ave made an imprint on me expectations….goes back yrs, with Dad too. I’ve always been a cancelling person so totes guilty meself. Trying me best to show up these days unless me mental health’s at risk. Getting better at deciphering between self-care and fear.

Lately, it feels like me metabolism has returned to the Mack. I’m ‘Hungry Eyes’….standard so I made one of me ‘Hello Fresh’ meals for Lunch and settled for Soup for Dinner. The Chermoula Spiced Halloumi with Bulgur Wheat and Chickpea Taboulleh absolutely rocked and set me up for me Sponsor Call that evening. We read through Step Six on three different formats then she explained how she likes her Sponsees to take action in reference to the Questions. I actually feel quite enthusiastic about it all. I may make a start after I’ve finished this as it goes. She proper held the space for me. She was kind and suggestive yet assertive and insightful. A perfect mix. It lies in the delivery for me. Two ppl can say the same thing but if the manner is harsh, dictorial or condescending – you’ve lost me. I’m an Adult, ave been through enough abuse and should be treated with respect and as an equal. I mostly abide by the same rules but gentleness has always been part of me nature anyways.

Bye for now x

I literally had to hold on for Dear Life from Tuesday through to Thursday. I was on ‘The Edge’ as ‘U2’ aptly plays on ‘Absolute Radio’. Ow I didn’t fall back into the ‘Parent Trap’ of escaping me escalated emotions and into the arms of an unavailable Man, I’ll never know. Tbh that’s a fiberoonie as I got proper tooled up and kept meself safe as. Here’s how; I focussed on resting (when I needed to), sat with the uncomfortable feelings after spending a whole day speaking to peeps, eat well (mostly), meetings, fellowship calls, Step 10’s, enlisted support from fam and friends and lastly a new top line in the way of ‘Frank Skinners Poetry Podcast’. It sorted the mad and brought me back to the present instead of living in some ‘Matrix’ style Universe. Being stuck in-between Steps 5 and 6. ‘It’s Tricky…Tr-tr-tr-tricky (Tricky) Trrrrrrrrrricky’………………on top of not aving a Sponsor, ard graft man. Those three rougher than rough days led me to Free From Friday! I rang a good mate of mine and spoke to her for an hr then spent the rest of the day switching off and relaxing in me own company with new found drama ‘Flaked’. The series centres around an Alcoholic in Recovery still acting out with this stuff. The main character talks a good talk but isn’t working any of it…..mmm who does that remind me of…..I wonder? Me Ex perhaps??? Er just a tad. There’s no such thing as a coincidence. I no longer resent him but that doesn’t excuse me engaging with someone whose still displaying that kind of behaviour. Thank God I held on and didn’t give into me last intrigue either. I had the whole thing planned after a vivid dream about him. I almost messaged a married guy I used to flirt with as well and ave since blocked. The addiction was on me like one of me hive ups. Talking of rashes, I managed to book meself a Doctors Phone Appt and was sent a link to upload some images. They don’t look nowhere near as bad as they do in the flesh. Ain’t nowt I can do about it mind so just ave to ‘Agadoo’.

Me HP gifted me for resisting the itch on Saturday and Sunday. I chose to attend the Morning Women’s Meeting instead of the Beach Event as the weather wasn’t great. I wasn’t up early enough to get ready either. I then took meself out for a Coffee and Cake Date followed by a browse around the Shops. I ended up walking past a Free Art Exhibition. I plucked up the courage to walk in and Boy, was I glad I did. I arrived just in time for a Sea related performance in conjunction with ‘The Estuary Festival’. It was fun yet powerful and set me up for the rest of the show. I particularly enjoyed a Spoken Word piece which was visually inspiring as well. I felt a little insignificant with what I write about and it’s deliverance but didn’t allow the darkness to deter me. In fact, I wrote a Poem later on that night. As I checked out the programme for upcoming events, it only went and led me back to the one I was meant to go to that day. It was still on the following day at a Studio down the road. I couldn’t believe it.

I finally watched nearly the whole of ‘Sunday Brunch’. I love that show and always end up distracting meself cause I feel guilty for relaxing in front of the telly of a morning. I proper chilled and got into it. I then got meself ready whilst listening to cool new album by ‘St Vincent’ which conjured up some ideas of me own. I took a deep breath, faced me fears and stepped into the establishment. I ended up meeting the Director and Project Manager who welcomed me into their space and gave me the lowdown on what they offer. No one else turned up so I had the Projector to meself. I watched an interesting Interview with an Ethnic Fashion Designer…..right up me Coronation then took a wander into their Concrete Garden. The PR explained how they resourced their materials and how they incorporate the herbs they grown into their work. I chatted about me Creative Outlets and was informed about a like minded Lady whom happens to be running a Free Writing Course the following wkd. She also runs Open Mic Nights. I couldn’t believe this Community existed on me Doorstep. I had a butchers at the books in the Library, thanked her for all her help then made me way into Town. An hr was enough in-front of a Big Screen and I’ve gotta be careful not to overdo it. I treated meself to another Coffee and Cake for me 9 month sobriety date then signed right up for the FWC. I went for a beautiful walk around parts I ain’t been to for a while and came across ‘The Forum’ Southend. Me mate took me there time ago but I’d forgotten how to get there. Yet another opportunity to explore local Artists and Hobbies. Hopefully all of the above will provide me with like minded friends that I’ve been longing for since I moved here. I’m fighting me Social Anorexia, surviving and thriving.

I’d messaged a potential Sponsor in the week but didn’t hear back from her. A Fellow then suggested a Woman. It only turned out to be the same person, she’d just changed her number. We had a thorough chat last night and decided to seal the deal. Me Step 6 work kicks off Wednesday. All is looking up and yet I felt mega down when I woke up…..again after having some weird kind of dream. It triggered a painful memory when me Dad was in Hospital…..a few wks before he died. I’d been with him since about 5am and couldn’t do anymore. I had nothing left to give. He pleaded with me to escort him back home via the paid for Ambulance but I kept saying “No”. I then had a full on panic attack. A Nurse kindly took me outside, comforted me and gave me a paper bag. It frightened me Inner Child when she was made to be emotionally responsible for her Parent. He then understood and let me go home. Some guilt and shame came up too so did a Meeting in another Fellowship to cater for that. I’ve just been crying, napping and watching T.V, zero energy to even wash up from yesterday. I’ve reassured that Little Girl that it’s okay not to be okay and she’s not less than for not achieving what she’d hoped to. When I put meself out there, I always ave a kick back so gotta adjust, it’s a must. Allowing meself to ‘JUST BE’ has brought me back to me Blog anyway.

Whenever I feel compassion for meself first, treating others this way becomes second nature!

Lots of love you Beautiful Lot x

Well it’s been a week full of extremes, self-reflection, surrender, change and brave choices. I went from proper over-doing it (full on Addict on a major high stylee) to turning the towel in and Crash Test Dummying, grieving on all cylinders. Found out a Lady I worked with @ the Rehab died last week. She was one of me. I tried reaching out to her a while back as I knew she desperately needed our Fellowship but unfortunately she never made it as the alcohol had a hold on her. Me brain curbed the connection till the next day when it hit me like Lewis Hamilton @ Brands Hatch. And the tears streamed down me face whilst watching ‘Coldplay’ and ‘Pink’ Documentaries the previous night but that was defo due to suppressing the sob during a Meeting that morning. I simply didn’t ave the time ‘Me Dear’ as undercut and fringe maintenance were well overdue. Met a wicked good Hairdresser @ the new Unisex Salon where prices are low and talent high. Back to the Fake Tanned Princess. We weren’t close but I was very fond of her. It’s a stark reminder of how quickly this disease progresses without a programme. I was very lucky to ave survived it and gotten the guide from above. I spent most of the day in emotional agony as it’s very common for one loss to remind you of closer ones. I managed to pick meself up late afternoon and took a ‘Fish Called Wanda’ down the Pier and back. Wrote a Poem dedicated to the Angel en route and shared it via me new Spoken Word Group. That’s going really well as it goes. Bout six of us ave shared our Poetry and the numbers are growing at a steady ‘Hale and Pace’. I especially felt touched when a Fellow whose never explored this creative outlet before came up with an absolute Masterpiece. I felt well jel but leaned into supportive mode instead. She was taken aback by the love which made it all worth while. It’s human nature to feel pangs of envy but it’s what I do with it that counts. I only end up hurting meself when I build up these ‘Where’s Wally’ Walls. They’re coming down….slowly but surely. Celebrate and Unite instead of Compete and Despite. There’s room for more than one Poet and I knows it Bruv!!!

I’ve Always fancied meself as a bit of Street so gave an Online Hip Hop Dance Class a go hehe. I did okay and kept up with the choreography better than expected. I had the best time trying to fit in with the Teeny Boppers. Me Inner Child was in her element. Defo gonna try that again. A fun way to keep ‘Fit But You Know It’. Monday – Wednesday was packed full of Chores, Recovery and Top Lines so Thurs Rest Day was a welcomed waver. Friday was back to me ‘To Do’ List as mentioned in the paragraph above then me HP forced me to take time out……not only for that evening but Saturday and Sunday too. I got out for walks but had zero energy to partake in any blogging or drumming. Just had to sit with those uncomfortable emotions and make a decision around a friend. I knew she wasn’t being honest and avoiding me so instead of doing me usual and cutting her off, I messaged her a kind yet assertive message. She responded with honesty and an apology which was much appreciated. I stated I needed ppl to meet me half way in any relationship. She’s unable to do that atm so I suggested we reconvene at a later date. I can’t sustain friendships via text messages ONLY anymore. I’m trying so hard to move forwards and focus on true intimacy, I won’t be sent back into the Safety Zone by anyone. I can wish her all the best and be compassionate around her situation but ultimately I have to do what’s right for me. I felt undervalued and it reminded me of a pull / push Sex and Love Addiction Romance. I refuse to chase after the unavailable anymore because I’m no longer one of them. She understood and respected me wishes. The worthiness that created within me was off the scale today and gave me the courage to be direct with another close mate of mine. She really appreciated the feedback and said “I’m the third person that’s pulled her up on it”. The relief is starting to overshadow the anxiety and guilt. The stabilisers are off, it’s time to join the ride. We embraced being able to Coffee it up in a Cafe again and relished in one another’s company as always. I’m so grateful to this old Mucker and me other old Sister from another Mister who spent two hours on a Video Call with me yesterday. Both there when I really needed them. I can just be myself and talk about anything and everything without fear of judgement or Mask wearing dishonesty. We communicate on a healthy level and those are the ppl I want to concentrate on.

After a week without ‘Hello Fresh’ due to lack of funds, I revelled in cooking from scratch again tonight. I did manage a cheap Root Veg and Couscous meal in the wk and did very well eating wise in general but nothing beats the therapeutic nature of following and executing a new recipe.

As ‘The Eagles Take It Easy’ plays on the radio, I’m about to do the same. Night x

So this past week has been pretty ‘Heavy Man’. Got told me detached outside Pipe not only needs fixing but the whole system needs a changing. The previous Owner….Builder by Trade, John Wayne by nature has DIY’d it up to the Mad Max of Essex. I found a Lady Plumber via me ‘Nextdoor App’ who predicted problems which ave already occured. He only went and put the Kitchen including the Washing Machine on the same bleeding small tube (not even the right one) as the Shower. I knew I wasn’t going bleeding mental when I started complaining about the various noises and water coming up through the sink when clothes were a spinning from day dot. Two Men including me Qualifier re-assured me that’s perfectly normal…..wtaf??? Anyways she gives it 2 – 3 months before the Wash Room starts filling up again. Mother helped out re the bill. Gonna pay her back when I can and save up for the next one. Being a responsible adult without pushing it to a Pressure Cooker extent is good for the ole self-esteem.

By Wednesday, I was on the floor so had to backtrack. I asked meself the all important question: How have I gotten here again? I worked it out methodically as things came up and dealt a pack of Self-Care Cards. I was giving yet again with nothing or very little in the Tank…..both within me Fellowship Service Role and via me calls. I got out of the agg and into the actions. Took a much needed break from the WhatsApp Group and got honest with a friend. Instead of blaming others now, I’m able to see what I’ve allowed and how me people pleasing and perfectionism plays out out. I nipped those potential Resentments right in the goolie goolie gum drops and stepped back for a bit. Me timeout became permanent today as the stress began to surface as soon as I started back again. Me pattern is to give up whenever I feel overwhelmed but in hindsight…..they were all healthy decisions. I will feel it when I’ve found me ‘London Calling’ (literally just came on the radio as I was proof reading me Blog)……like now for example. I was guided to a local Spoken Word Open Mic Night on Friday (booked meself a slot in July during Writing Season) and have since gathered a selection of Women for just that within the Sex and Love Addiction Arena. We’re gonna share via messages and Zoom Sessions. A lil apprehensive around how I’ll stand up in comparison but I’ve gotta get out of that shit and just focus on creating a safe space for like minded people. I felt inspired by a Fellow Traveller and Confidante plus an Angel Reading came through suggesting something similar to the above.

I’m emotional this evening as me quest to find a suitable Sponsor seems further away than I’d like. I’ve interviewed two this week, asked another two and put the feelers out via social connection sources. I do ave faith me Higher Power will provide but in the meantime I’m struggling with the lack of support and wanna act out. I was close but always play out future events which are darker than what I’m dealing with now.

I had an Inner Child inspired day on Sunday which tipped the balance in me favour. I baked lastmin.com without measuring the ingredients. I allowed meself to make mess without zero mental repercussions, I drummed for fun and wrote an article in answer to a question for me Lord of the Ringer’s Journal. I obsessed re what I didn’t say after checking it like a bazillion times and was verging on sending a revised version but had a word with meself – “don’t worry about the outcome just enjoy the process”. The same with the Brownies. I proper fucked em up as couldn’t wait one day to salvage the lack of sweetness with buttercream so had to throw them away…..but “did I experience joy in the moment?”…..”yes…..fucking yes”. It’s also motivated me to explore more of the same. Cupcakes are up next. ‘The Toast of London’ is proving the only medicine I need atm although it’s reminding me of me Ex. He told me about it time ago. I already loved Matt Berry from ‘The IT Crowd’ and ‘Darth Meringues Dark Place’ and goes without saying his voiceovers on ‘Absolute Radio’ (again just came on as I was re-reading this section) but I must’ve missed this comedy. Anyways it appears Mr No Clue Who He Is based his whole persona on the main character. I get it as still finding out who I really am but come on……that takes the fucking Custard Cream. Maybe a bump back into brutal reality was just what the Doctor ordered.

I’m defo super para atm re question mark Sexual Threats. Me Gaydar is so out……it’s positively in. Mistaking hetro for a friend of Dorothy’s and vice versa. This uptightness led me to Slip City last time so gotta relax and ave more confidence in me motives cause they’re pretty pure. I’ve gone the other way so bringing the balance back is Batty Boy turned straight.

I nearly forgot to mention me 12.3 mile walk to Shoeburyness East Beach and back. What an adventure that was. Again – I faced me fears and lent into playfulness, climbing over rocks and such to reach me destination. Lucky for me there was a Food and Drink Van which fuelled me right up for me journey home. I ain’t been there since leaving me job @ the Rehab so was lovely to connect with some of me last memories with Dad. Of course it triggered the other stuff but mainly……. I felt close to me Old Man. The Swans are so friendly there, they just sit amongst the humans on the grass. Five of em in total. Stunning Creatures.

I’m outtie…….night x